Telephone Tyranny

(Published on 23 May 2006 in 'Women at Work' - W @ W - a supplement of the Daily Mirror, Colombo, Sri Lanka)

When I first heard the term ‘Telephone Tyranny’ – it almost felt like the doctor had finally diagnosed and given a name to an old ailment I had been suffering from, for what seemed like eternity. As per the Oxford English Dictionary – tyranny is cruel and arbitrary exercise of power or control. And that really does sum up the meaning of the expression ‘telephone tyranny’. The total control and domination of our lives by a mere instrument called a cell phone.

I hate mobile phone calls. In fact, the sound of a mobile ring tone makes me cringe and cower. While the land phone allows you your share of space and privacy – a cellular phone is an absolute tyrant! Gone are the days when you could sit by the sea watching the sunset without being rattled by an annoying ring tone. Or go for a theatre performance without a neighbour suddenly bursting into a jig trying to fish out his noisy instrument.

People almost wear their prized possessions like badges of honour on their chests hanging by a string. And the look of pride on their faces as their tiny instrument belts out the most horrendous ring tone makes my insides want to turn inside out. Ever sat at a meeting or a solemn event and had a mobile phone burst into a mindless pop song or the ‘Crazy Frog’ ring tone?

Crazy Frog is actually a character used in the marketing of a ring tone based on "The Annoying Thing", a computer animation created by Erik Wernquist. They must have known it’s annoying – why else would they name it – The Annoying Thing! The animation was originally created to accompany a sound effect produced by Daniel Malmedahl while attempting to imitate the sound of a two-stroke moped engine. Mr Wernquist and Mr Malmedahl have caused me immense pain and mental torture. They are lucky they live across the seven seas and not anywhere near where I do. Jamba!, a mobile phone content provider, based in Germany have earned an estimated £14 million from this ring tone, making it the most commercially successful ring tone of all time. What is wrong with the world? While I squirm and burrow my head under my pillow to refrain from hearing this annoying, mindless ring tone people are actually revelling in its ingenuity.

Why there is apparently a universal compulsion to answer the cell phone, under any or all circumstances is beyond me. Yes, I’ve heard cell phone calls answered in the rest room and other inappropriate places including at a solemn funeral. I have visited a public rest room, where an occupant is having an animated conversation over the mobile phone oblivious of a restless audience waiting outside for their turn. Surely the people, who engage in this, must recognise how rude the practice is. But apparently they don't, as they proceed as if the behaviour is completely appropriate and normal.

The compulsion to play with their little prized possession is so great that if not a conversation, the owner will indulge in a noisy cell phone game. This is one of my major aggravations. Ever suffered at the hands of a co passenger on a train or bus ride or at an airport or a food court? Reeling in misery, I’ve often felt like jumping in front of the running train.

The telephone is an informal medium for communication and is primarily used for short information exchanges. At least that is what Alexander Graham Bell invented it for. The poor man must be turning in his grave – regretting having created the biggest source of noise pollution ever. People seem to talk louder when they’re using cell phones. This could be attributed either to connectivity issues or the static. Also, in most cases, users are in public places and are compelled to talk louder to get heard.

The critical thing to remember about talking to someone by phone is that it’s important to let your own line remain free for urgent exchanges rather than frivolous long drawn conversations. I think voicemail is one of the greatest inventions because it enables you to accomplish the task of communicating information to someone effectively without infringing and interrupting into their personal space. Voicemail also frees us from the tyranny of the ringing telephone.

Talking about tyranny, do you realise that by giving you a cell phone your employer (or your parent if you are a teenager) have actually given you a tracking device. And God help you if you do not answer the phone when it rings. If this is not tyranny what is? Gone are the carefree days when you could get someone to tell your office that you are not at home – and hence unavailable on the phone and not contactable.

What better way to express my disgust, despair and anguish than share my solidarity with A. P. Herbert the writer of the poem ‘At the Theatre: To the Lady behind Me’. The lines below have been written to beseech all those inconsiderate beings that walk this planet to be a little more thoughtful to others around them.

At the Theatre: To the creature behind Me!

Dear Sir, you have come to see
Like all of us, the matinee
You don’t seem to be interested in the plot,
But, let me tell you, I am, a lot.
The author seeks to unfold to me
His actors’ true identity,
And you are not a friend of his
If your mobile keeps ringing the way it is.
The actors in their funny way
Have several amusing things to say,
But they do not interest me more
If you talk on your mobile just before;
The merit of the movie lies,
In an element of some surprise;
But the surprise is now very small
As, I can’t hear the dialogues at all.
The lady you have brought with you
Is, I infer, an idiot too,
She prompts you as you talk aloud
Beaming at you, foolishly proud.
In short, dumb sir, it would suit
Me just as well if you were mute;
In fact, to make my meaning plain,
I hope you will never speak again.
And may I add one final word?
Your phone’s outdated, and not much worth.

(With due apologies to A. P. Herbert the original writer of the poem ‘At the Theatre: To the Lady behind Me’)