From the desk of Miss Know All: The art of insulting

(Published on 15 August 2006 in 'Women at Work' - W @ W - a supplement of the Daily Mirror, Colombo, Sri Lanka)

A friend gifted me a book on insults – a book that contained a compilation of insults, invectives and incivility hurled down through the ages. I wonder what prompted her to buy that book for me… nothing serious that I can recollect. She must have presumed that a person of my intellect would relish the delights of verbal warfare.

The book lay untouched for a while till I browsed through it more out of curiosity than the love of reading something so frivolous. Much to my amazement, on reading I discovered that there truly was an art of insulting. There were great men in history (and women, may I add) who had mastered this art and excelled in spewing insults at those who they felt deserved to be at the receiving end.

One person who has been known to be a connoisseur, and a specialist in the art of insulting was none other Winston Churchill himself. Lady Astor had once told Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I should flavour your coffee with poison.” To which it is believed Churchill replied, “Madam if I were your husband, I should drink it.”

The quick witted responses of Winston Churchill have become legendary. On another occasion Bessie Braddock, an MP remarked, “Winston, you’re drunk!” Churchill retorted, “Bessie you are ugly. And tomorrow morning I shall be sober.”

Insulting is not for the weak hearted for only the brave can resort to such malicious pleasure. Bernard Shaw once sent Churchill two tickets for the opening of his new play, with the invitation: “Bring a friend – if you have one.” Churchill regretted that he was engaged, and asked for tickets for the second performance: “If there is one.”

Churchill’s razor wit and tongue in cheek remarks in the House of Commons created an electric environment. On Ramsay MacDonald he once remarked: “ I remember, when I was a child, being taken to the celebrated Barnum’s Circus, which contained an exhibition of freaks and monstrosities; but the exhibit on the programme which I most desired to see was the one described as – ‘The Boneless Wonder.’ My parents judged that the spectacle would be too revolting and demoralising for my youthful eyes, and I have waited fifty years to see The Boneless Wonder sitting on the Treasury Bench."

By the time I finished going through the book I was truly inspired to be more creative with the invectives that I used. The art of insulting needs imagination, wit and style… I’m practising… sharpening my claws and my tongue!

Miss Know-All
wow@dailymirror.wnl.lk