Communicating Effectively

(Published on 30 May 2006 in 'Women at Work' - W @ W - a supplement of the Daily Mirror, Colombo, Sri Lanka)

As a teacher in one of the reputed schools of Kathmandu, I had the opportunity to interact with 16-year-old adolescents. The experience was more than gratifying, for I learnt from them, as much as they learnt from me.

The subject was Value Education. We’d often end up in very thought provoking debates. The topic for the day was ‘Understanding parents and analysing their actions.’

‘No parents are perfect,’ they told me. ‘As a child, one feels one’s parents are the epitome of virtues. But slowly, one realises, that they have their flaws and you love them, in spite of their faults.’ I listened, as words of wisdom flowed from ones so young.

‘What qualities do you feel parents should have?’ asked one, addressing the class.

‘Parents should not differentiate between a son and a daughter. They should treat them equally,’ said one, vehemently.

‘They should comfort and support the child in times of failure,’ noted another.

‘Parents should rebuke a child when necessary, but never insult their child in front of others,’ said one, with hurt and bitterness.

The debate went on … the aim being to understand the parents’ point of view. The concluding speaker, left all present in deep thought, and left me wondering how much the parents’ can learn from their own wards.

‘Parents,’ he said, ‘should be frank about their financial status. They should not keep their children in the dark, or give them the wrong impression. This would help the child to realise and know where he stands and dissuade him from making unreasonable demands.’

Probably such debates should be held in the presence of parents. I’m sure; it would enable to inculcate a healthier relationship. If there is any one secret of a successful relationship, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle, as well as from your own.

Communication is the answer to making any relationship work. Whether it is a parent, a spouse, a boss or a friend – communication is what bonds and helps build bridges. The term – ‘effective communication’ is a very broad term and can be interpreted by different people in different ways.

Effective communication skill involves a number of specific strengths. Being open to listen is one of them. There is need for children to listen to their parents and it’s even more crucial for parents to give a patient hearing to their wards. Keep the following suggestions in mind the next time you deal with your children.

# Listen openly and with empathy.

# Respond in an interested way that shows you understand the problem and your child’s concern

# Pay attention to the body language, listen between the lines

# Don't react to emotional words, but interpret their purpose

# Judge the content; comprehend before you judge

# Use multiple ways to fully comprehend (ask, repeat, rephrase, etc.) Ask for as much detail as he/she can provide; paraphrase what your child is saying to make sure you understand it and check for understanding

#Communicate your feelings but don't act them out (that is tell your child that his behaviour really upsets you; don't get angry)

#Practice supportive listening, not one way listening

That days Value Education class had a double impact on me. It taught me to communicate effectively with my son as well as with my aging mother. In today's complex world, it's even more important to make sure you set aside time to talk. That doesn't mean you have to hold a formal meeting and be formally seated. Sometimes the best discussions take place while you're driving the car or tinkering around the kitchen.

What I learnt from my teenaged students was that whether dealing with my son or my mother I should often make an effort to use phrases like - tell me more, you can do it, how can I help, let's all pitch in, how about a hug, please, thank you, good job, I love you – and above all – I need your help.

Communication is not just about getting your thoughts across – it is about doing so effectively.